It's awkward!

A conversation I have been having repeatedly recently is one about hidden impairments. Not solely physical difference, but pain, different ways of processing and being in the world. The last thing I want to do is bag peoples experiences together, but there are some themes I would like to explore in the next few short blog.. I anticipate not doing the subject much justice but here goes…

The first of my frustrations is linked to dyslexia. Malcolm Gladwell devotes a whole chapter to this difference in his recent book David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits and the Art of Battling Giants. I have met a number of people with dyslexia over the past months and we all share a similar frustration... For those for whom writing comes easily the sheer impossibility of the task is incomprehensible. I've struggled myself, spending hours explaining to teachers, tutors and colleagues what it is like. I have a colleague doing their Masters currently, whose experience is telling and probably not hugely unusual. She handed in an assignment to a tutor, who proceeded to underline every mistake annotating the margins with the word 'awkward' over 18 times! Truth is there is no easy or technological way of removing all the mistakes people with dyslexia make. Our language is so fluid when it comes to meaning and writing itself is a deeply complex process – one requiring learning - effort and practice. Thankfully, for many it becomes second nature, but for others it remains as difficult as tying shoe laces one-handed. A task so complicated there aren't enough hours in the day to achieve perfection... I have improved, but without human help, faultlessness eludes! I pay for final drafts - and I'm happy to have that luxury. My writing has got easier, but I'll always struggle. Fact! No spell checker with ever be clever enough, sadly.

When my friend shared her experience I was stuck by the shame highlighting her mistakes causes. As she did, I’ve felt stupid, deficient, lacking! In educational circles we often talk of underachievement and gaps. Rarely do we explicitly talk about the ordinary practice that causes real emotional harm to some learners. I remember aged 11 being scolded for using ensevelit in a French essay. I was deliberately using the word for dramatic effect, however my teacher called it wrong. It took me years to write again with any confidence. Yet still the highlighting of mistakes remains a conventional way of working, despite the understanding recent research throws on the differences in our brains.  If your brain is not well wired to process language then underlining a mistake is a pointless exercise. It's like pointing a page out to a blind person.

As I progress through higher education, and become used to its vagaries, I am struck by this very specific type of discrimination. In many circumstances it appears that how people write is more important than what they say. To me it is the same as asking a person with a mobility problem to run in order to be taken seriously. Surely as authors of our own research, we should be entitled to respect and dignity? If a ramp as an accepted accommodation these days - then why are we not educating teachers and tutors to recognise learning difficulties in the same way?

Ruminated

A second conversation I keep having is around mental health. The people I've spoken to all have had episodes of ill health. Like me they've come to realise that before these difficult times we had no idea how mindscape altering illness can be, I was self congratulatory over my approach to such differences, but in fact my understanding was so off the mark! There are insights that only personal experience will enable. It was like living with a faulty map of both my inner and outer world. Not quite sure of reality, the usual filters were all wrong. In other words, I could no longer trust my instincts, or often had to realign my thoughts by challenging my feelings. Hugely energy consuming, painful and prone to error. The best metaphor I can think of is a jeep my husband once drove at a tank experience day. The controls were reversed - so to turn left you had to steer right ...  He did well while he was thinking, but would occasionally go onto autopilot and the car would leave its tracks.

Finally, and more generally, I'm always astounded when people without your condition or no expertise in the field give advice... I've had my many impairments and conditions for years. My knowledge about them isn't that of a physicians but I know a lot about what works for me. It may just be that given the available time, resource and energy I'm doing the very best I can? That with multiple impairments and some hidden conditions this my best!? Alternatively, let's just take a minute to flip the coin  couldn't I ask those with less balls in the air to grant me a little leeway or understanding ?? If we were in I world that valued effort, kindness, honesty and compassion?