It's not unusual

I met with friends recently... Nothing odd in that you might say. However, for me it's not always that easy... I have a number of conditions, which makes life a bit tricky. Without going into huge explanations, my energy is a very precious thing. If I go through a busy period it may take days to recover. If I work ordinary hours, for example, there's no energy left for fun. Planning a social event becomes a matter of opportunity cost - I often drop out because it’s one step too far. Also, I'm old(fashioned), I was brought up to have fun after work, not instead of it! I feel really  guilty putting my happiness first! Luckily, my friends hugely generous, and make it very easy to join in: they take extra care to make it as effortless for me as possible.

"Life isn't fair" my mum used to say. Typically as she was dividing treats will the precision of a surgeon between my sister and I. In a way she had a point, but there's a huge difference between accepting this fact, and acknowledging it. I acknowledge that life is particularly hard for some people – I too understand my own privilege. However equally I feel I have to give much more than most in order to fit in. If it's harder to do stuff, harder to get places, harder to get in (if at all), and harder to contribute – then the same portion size in not fair - it costs more! (And I don't just mean financially, but to be financially secure cost hugely; countless applications = no job or less pay) The ability to just turn up is far greater for some than for others. Unfortunately, what some people don't understand is the huge effort it takes some of us to just show up at all.

Therefore what we do to acknowledge unfairness matters! Again, It's not about portion size!! It's about consideration and intentionality. It's about recognising and speaking about unfairness with clarity. Passion is different from outrage - however righteous our indignation. It's about thinking - challenging the taken for granted - and subtly creating spaces that take great unfairness into consideration.

I am very fortunate that some of my friends get this! They’ll make that extra phone call or drop a caring text! When we get together they do more than I may in order to restore a little balance. I feel they express true generosity in their acknowledgement of the price I pay. For example, during one particularly life affirming outing recently I was particularly struck by this deep but significant understanding. Sometimes the most difficult ideas can be expressed in the simplest of ways:  I was bringing my friends up to speed on some recent good news. A recent personal achievement, one which in academic circles means a great deal. I've become used to people, those unaccustomed to academic ways, looking a little bemused. Therefore, I tend to emphasise the hard work involved. I must stress I'm not unusually gifted, however I work hard and for long periods. It's knackering! However, in the end I tend to get there! Unfortunately, when people see success they often assume ease. That's why I emphasise hard effort, because of the opportunity cost involved - my social life is often the price. On this occasion I was blown away by my friends response! They replied that they fully understood the hard work involved! They took my dedication, passion and hard work for granted. In a good way! It made my night, my week, my month! A quiet, understated acknowledgement of effort is rare, it says I'm vallued! Not because I'm special, but because I choose to employ my gifts to their full potential.  The evening rumbled on, and the magic stayed with me!

I am not sure our shared passion changed the world that night, but my friends’ acknowledgement changed my world! For an evening the world was fair, thank you my friends!!